2018 is quickly nearing, and I have to say this year can't end soon enough. When I look back on the past 12 months there are surely things to be celebrated and for which I am proud of, or that I’m thankful for. My time in The Netherlands, once again, adopting Gertie, and registering my organization in Uganda are all among the top highlights. However, these were marred by a plethora of not so good moments, for which I am hoping will not be repeated in the coming year ahead.
To say this year has been a struggle is surely be an understatement. Dealing with my mental health has been on of my greatest challenges as of late. They began in May, and have continued on even as I write. Depression and anxiety have been apart of my life since I was a child, and they have come and gone throughout the years. Usually they can easily be managed but this time around it has become increasingly more difficult. My low points have been places I have not felt in years - not even after losing my Mom almost 5 years ago. It’s painful and lonely, and can be quite scary at times, as a result. This isn’t a state I have spoken about a lot, mostly because I still believe my doing so overburdens those around me, and partly because I seem to think I can get through it all without the help of others. Gertie has been a tremendous help in this area, but she is only one pup - and the burden is not solely hers to cure or carry. Plus, she has some issues of her own. You could say we’re both a work in progress, but I’m glad we’re figuring it all out together. She’s such a good companion.
But a huge part of my challenges this year have stemmed from support - or lack there of - and readjusting to a place I don’t really feel I relate to anymore*. It’s funny how only a few years away can make a place you’ve always known feel so distant. The landscapes alone have changed, especially when looking at the Halifax skyline, but so have the people, the norms, and pretty much everything else. I don’t think I ever fully grasped Ugandan culture, but I do feel like it was becoming a part of my core. And this has been felt more so since returning to Canada (and not just because it’s now cold!). It didn’t help that it wasn’t a welcomed decision to leave in the first place, but rather one made out of necessity. I was in a bad place, and I thought I would have more support when I returned. But in all honesty I have felt replaced more than I have felt supported. It’s forced me to open up old wounds and really focus on just how much of an impact my mother’s passing has had on my life and how unfair it is that certain circumstances have been greeted with unequal results. The not knowing where I’d be resting my head from one day to the next, and the lack of having a steady routine were some of the things I hadn't anticipated, and the consequences are still something I am struggling to understand. All of this, mixed with some crummy relationships that need to be cut loose, have been a recipe for disaster.
The sad thing is that throughout it all, my physical health has also been in decline. Thank goodness for Gertie who gets me out at least twice a day for walks, and some indoor playtime fun! I know I have let down my workout buddies immensely; in the last few weeks, in particular. They are such a reliable source of positive energy and encouragement. But, there have been far too many days where it has been hard to muster up the strength or motivation to exercise and eat right, when the prospect of the future seems such a long shot. I know I need to get on board again - and I will step up.
But let’s not focus solely on the bad. The coming year has some pretty incredible opportunities in the works - starting in a little over a week, I head to the front of the classroom, as a lecturer at Acadia University. This is an opportunity I had been working towards since I left the school as a graduate only a few short years ago**. I have some travel plans, including heading to Japan for a little work-play adventure, and then heading back to the continent I love - beginning in Kenya, and then eventually making my way next door to Uganda. I also have some writing contracts lined up, and if all goes as planned, I may very well find myself in a classroom once again - this time as a student.
There is a lot of good. I know this. You, as a reader, hopefully know this about your own lives. There will always be negative moments, and unforeseeable changes, no matter what. I have come to recognize this simply as life. But these tend to be the things that further strengthen one’s capability to thrive. These are the moments we will look back on - hopefully with minimal resentment - and recognize as those pivotal moments that could have, but didn’t break us. And that, my friends, is what I’ll be holding onto in 2018.
- the Orange Canadian
*More on this latter topic potentially in the next few days.
**And if I’m really being honest, well before then!
No comments:
Post a Comment